Saturday, February 10, 2007
@ 11:35 AM
"Sometimes the ones you love hurt you the most."
Had a small conversation with mum today.
Mum: So how?
Me: Retake lor
Mum: huh? Retake again? Why are you so lousy in this?
Me: I dunno. No choice, need it to graduate
Mum: Taking with Kelly(my sis) this year?
Me: yea.
Mum: I think you'll still stuck in this while she pass her maths
Kelly: She's really lousy.
Yesterday's conversation with my bro
Vince: Fail ah?
Me: yea
Vince: sigh. You so lousy. I help u retake lar, sure pass one.
Me: ...
Why am i always in this kind of situation? Year after year. People lose faith in my studies. Gradually, i dun believe myself either. People might not say it, but in their heart of hearts, they have alr given up on me. I din expect it to happen, yet again and again, my studies fail me. People say: If you are serving God, He will not short change u. How true is that sentence?
Maybe God is testing me. Maybe im not serving hard enough. Maybe God has other plans for me. Maybe maybe. Why doesn't he reveal it to me?
One of my downest moment in my life. Dun ask if im okay. Obviously im not. But what can you do? See the ugly side of me? laugh? How unspiritual I am? Sigh. I dunno what im doing. Im having very mixed feelings. Random thoughts, feelings, decisions etc.
And. worst of all, grandma has intestine cancer. Operation is necessary. Well, soon and very soon, i'll grow to be numb towards it. 'Shrugs'
I dunno what to expect. Or maybe an expectation is not even necessary. With high expectations comes great disappointment. So, maybe i shouldn't expect at all.
Above all, my unexpectant result, my unwholesome talk with God, my disappointment with my family's speech etc, I still must declare that God is good, ALL the time.
Precisely all these happened, I can no longer depend on myself. I still need his wisdom, his guidance, comfort etc upon my life. Once again, only Him can truly fill my heart. Only Him can complete me.
Im holding on to u
Always and forever
elise
